The Secret Rainforest Lives of Men

This post is for my girls: those who go for "artsy" men. Two weeks ago, I fell privy to some information quite valuable to those prone to falling mushy anytime a dude croons, paints or decides to explore intricate rhyme schemes.

My research yields that these men are all unoriginal FRAUDS! They've merely stolen inspiration from the Queensland Australian Rainforest.

Example 1:

It's not only because Snoop Dogg passes the pipe. It's because he seems to think he got the 'beautiful' ladies all up in his grill by "Ooooo-eeee" -ing his way way into their hearts. WRONG! Snoop was obviously taught this obnoxious bird call by the indiginous "Eastern Whipbird".


Example 2: One evening in Hanoi Gina and I met two really good looking guys. I mean really really good looking. Their names were Matt and David and I'm not ashamed: If either of you are reading this, I've not since seen any Australians that rival your hotness. Not that I particularly need to tell them: Matt was aware of his cool factor, and of the fact that his verbal sparring was second to none. He probably realized he was terrifically handsome as well, but this wasn't enough for Matt. No, no...he had to be really funny as well. I remember a fun story about a morning jog he took in India, while humming Grieg...which (sparing you the exact details of this comical story) led to him teaching a young Indian child the Milkshake song ("Repeat after me: My Milk-shake brings all the boys to the yard...") and in turn making up a song of his own. Of course we asked him to perform this song for us and only until we hiked the rainforest did we REALIZE that MATT THE PERFECT had made up a song that sounds JUST LIKE the call of the Kookaburra. Lies. Still heartbroken about that one.


Example 3:

Just as Meat Loaf would do anything for love, so would the juvenille land mullet, as the tightly-bonded family structure of land mullets is incomprable in the reptile world. And do I have to spell it out? Mullet? Skink? Too easy.


Example 4: Like we should swoon when Chicago-based emo rockers Fall Out Boy gives us a tune that inspires lead singer Pete Wentz to jump up in an artistic fury, one fist clenched, the other choking on his mic? It's nothing the Wallabee hasn't been up to for years.



Example 5: Last week we were in Brisbane. One night, we decided to go out with our friends Harry, Josh and Richard from England and picked up a new guy along the way: Kaarel from Estonia. If Kaarel was a bird in the rainforest, he'd be the Eastern Bristlebird. The Bristlebird, according to the informational trifold at the camping area near the part of the rainforest we hiked, 'hides all day except to sing gloriously on top of bushes, when inspired'. We danced for 3 hours straight. Kaarel should have been a contestant on "So You Think You Can Dance". He was brilliant. He had a way of hearing latin beats in anything. (We did a rhumba to some Beyonce. The tango during "Umbrella".) He could jive (and thank goodness, when the DJ did the unthinkable with the Grease Megamix). He could make anything work, from club to disco to trance. And, after a lyrical/interpretive ballet stunner with "Livin' on a Prayer", I would have to deem this my most ultimate dancing endeavor, with a gloriously talented and silly dance partner. It was so good that I forgot to care that I've seen crazy dancing like that before...in the rainforest...uh, with a stick guitar... :)