NAM

(working title for a self-help article title)

"How to cross the Camodian/Vietnamese Southern Border in Typical Gina and JoAnne Fashion"

(or how about for the Daily News)

"Capers Abound! Gina and JoAnne in Vietnam, Finally!"

(Women's Health and Fitness would call it)

"How to Completely Give Up on Your Diet, DESERVEDLY!"

(Forbes would have a different take)

"The Importance of Verbal Comprehension and Written Agreement in the Transfer of Money Across Southeast Asian Countries for the Economic Benefit of the Traveling Young Female"

(and the American Health Association would be interested, too)

"The Prevalence of the Urinary Tract Infection Among Women in Tropical Climated Underdeveloped Countries where Facilities are Less than Standard if not Wretched"

Yet again, Gina and I have managed to make our way, laboriously and hilariously, into another country. Should you consider such a trek in the future, I have posted a "DO" and "DO NOT" list of activities to aid in your travels.

DO:

-Take a motorbike from Kampot to Had Thian (VN border) because it's beautiful and everyone needs to hum a little Traveling Wilbury's now and again (Well it's alright/ Riding around in the breeze / Well, it's alright/ If you live the life you please)

DO NOT:

-Trust that your moto driver has "a brother" who "lives" across the "border" and will take you all the way to the ATM-less town of Chau Doc for "Just Five Dollar"! Fantasy, baby. He will take you to see his "brother" at the "public bus stop".

DO:

-Take the 4 hour bus ride to Chau Doc and enjoy the smell of rice paddies and corn fields, fresh Vietnamese pastry buns sold on the side of the road, and the most glorious of all: sugarcane after a short blast of monsoon-season rain.

DO NOT:

-Let said bus take off without travel buddy who was in desperate need of a bathroom and ended up going in a native's riverside hut. You can let the busdriver lay on the horn all he wants, and even if he doesn't speak english and everyone is laughing at you as you wave your hands frantically while straddling 25 pound bags of rice laying in the aisle, you must remember that your travel buddy's ass is hanging off the side of the Mekong river, guarded only by a small curtain and several moto drivers. Come on. Do your part.

DO:

-Try Vietnamese Coffee.

DO NOT:

-Ask for it black. Even though the woman at the streetstall cafe looks really sweet in her matchy-matchy silk jumpsuit, she is lacing your coffee with Cocaine. She brings it to you in a small 4-oz shot glass, brewing in the Vietnam version of a french press. At first, this will make you smile. Then. You will tremble. You will sing Eric Clapton. You will tell your travel buddy that you haven't felt this way about coffee since college. You will not be able to finish your breakfast of delicious chicken Pho (noodle soup) because you can't physically bring the chopsticks to your face anymore.

DO:

-Take a hike up Nui Sam (Sam Mountain) after you have come down from your "caffeine" high.

DO NOT:

-Forget to go to the bathroom before you go, otherwise you will be stuck in a touristy-Disneyland-but-full-of-dirtiness alleyway, paying 2,000 dong to have a grown Vietnamese woman stand centimeters from your face and poke at your sunburnt nose while you wait to use the "bathroom": a shower stall. With a drain. And four walls. And a tub of water to wash it down the drain when you're done. Also, it is recommended that you refrain from attempting the Guiness World Record of Longest Urination Performed by a Caucasian Female Backpacker at the worst pay squat toilet (if you can even call it that) in the history of the world.